Is your baby ruining your sex life?

Babies, though cute, could spell a steady decline of the sexual intimacy between a couple. We tell you more

Parenthood is said to be the happiest phase of a couple's life. We agree totally. But babies come with their own share of problems which can in turn wreck havoc with quite a few of your set schedules, most importantly your sex routine. As most experts warn, if one doesn't pay enough attention to their partner post the baby's birth (and this applies to both the partners equally), it could cause them to drift apart from each other resulting in a significantly huge rift in their physical proximity.

Babies are hard work — a cart load of additional duties and unending late nights. And though they may bring infinite joy and happiness with their arrival, a baby also heralds the start of a totally new phase in a couple's life, one where routines go for a toss and the schedule that both of you had perfected so well, is now governed by the sleep time of your little bundle of joy. This often leaves the couple, especially the mother in a constant state of fatigue and tiredness. In this state, the pressure of performing in bed could probably be the last this she wants to add to her list of duties.

The first and most important question is how soon can a couple get back to being physically intimate post the baby's birth. "That depends on a couple of factors — the kind of delivery the mother has had, her health post the delivery and whether the gynaecologist has given an okay. Alternatively, a couple can resume physical intimacy, especially sex, as soon as they both feel ready for the act," says Dr Minnu Bhonsle, consulting psychologist and relationship counsellor.

According to her, one of the chief reasons why new mothers tend to go lax in the physical intimacy department is because of their pre-occupation with the baby. "They are constantly anxious about the child. As a result, they may not be physically capable of the sexual act simply because they are exhausted. In some cases, the man may also not be ready for physical intimacy either due to the physical changes they see in the woman or probably because they return home tired from work and are overwhelmed with the duties and responsibilities of the baby," she explains.

Actress Tara Sharma, says nothing really changed much for her and hubby Roopak Saluja after the birth of their son Zen last June. "In fact, Zen's arrival created an even stronger bond between us. Yes, may be there are less opportunities for physical proximity with a baby around, but thankfully it wasn't much of an issue for us," Tara says.
"Oh yes, the sex life definitely goes for a toss," says actor Sudhanshu Pandey. He adds that once the baby arrives, a couple's focus and attention shifts completely to the baby. "Taking care of a baby is in itself a full time job. All you think about is baby-related stuff, other things seem pretty inconsequential," he says.

Talking about the importance of physical intimacy post delivery, Dr Minnu says, "Sex is a way for the woman to feel close and bonded with her man. If this is missing, she may end up feeling lonely and abandoned. To add to this, she will also end up feeling overwhelmed with the task of motherhood."

Dr Minnu warns that if a couple does not get back to the sexual act within the right span of time, it will start getting awkward. "The couple may need to have an ice-breaking session where intimacy is concerned. And if they keep ignoring it, it may even reach a stage where they never gets back to having sex. And that's not a good thing," she adds.

It's important to remember that besides being parents, you are also a couple. One should not sacrifice couplehood at the alter of parenthood, they both need to co-exist. Why? "Because a child needs two loving parents. The child has to see the parents connected and it's intimacy that keeps a couple bonded," says Dr Minnu. According to her, a couple needs to retain their togetherness, they need to continue to date like lovers, even if it means letting parenting take a backseat for brief periods of time.
Sudhanshu concludes saying, "It's important for both partners to be equally hands-on parents and distribute the work load. As for the physical intimacy, it has to be initiated. We have to remember that besides being parents we are also husband and wife and have our own physical needs which have to be taken care of."

Remember this

Accept it, acknowledge it : You are not the only parents in the world who have limited time for sex so don't worry. Remember, both of you have to be ready for physical intimacy, only then will it be satisfying.

Set aside time for yourselves : It's very convenient to get so involved with the baby that you forget your partner. Remember, sex is an important part of being a couple so no matter what, do not ignore it. If you can't seem to find time for yourselves, make a schedule for it.

Have realistic expectations : Take whatever opportunities you get to be physically intimate with your partner. Don't wait for an auspicious time, it may never come. If you and your spouse only have the time and energy for heavy petting and pillow talk, indulge in it and enjoy it, it will help you bond better.

'Sex'ting helps : When you are away from your partner, send him/her sexy, teasing messages. Put a tempting note in a surprising place. It will go a long way in setting the mood for a pleasurable time.

Enjoy the baby : Childhood really does go by so fast. Hence, make the effort to enjoy your child's babyhood. Accept the fact that sexual intimacy with your partner will occupy less of your attention, at least while your baby is young.